I don’t understand . . .

Is this how life happens? One day you’re home, at peace, having a hummingbird morning, or driving home from a Yoga class and counting bird nests on the way, when all of a sudden your life blows up in your face? Is this really the way it happens? Does it have to? Is there anything I might have done to prevent any of this?

On an ordinary Tuesday evening nearly a month ago my husband came home with a terribly high fever, causing him to miss work the next two days; when he returned to work on Friday he was fired, then spent the next 4 weeks with multiple ER and Dr. visits, trying to discover what the mysterious illness is, was, or might be. Nobody seems to know, even with an ultra-sound, MRI and more. It’s a total mystery to me as to what caused this illness or what caused him to be fired from a new job. I don’t understand.

But, rolling with the punches, I hardly flinched when – the same week – we were informed that my mom needed more assistance than was available at her retirement home, meaning a sudden all-out-mission to find her an assisted living arrangement. Literally within 3 ½ weeks my mom is now moved into her new place to live, husband’s illness is in the final days, and I am in the middle of a long-waited-for visit with my daughter, her husband and TWCGS … The World’s Cutest Grandson.

I just want to know how many other people have a major illness, a third job loss in 18 months, and a sad and depressing move of a family member to an assisted living facility all within one month. Isn’t this a lot? It feels like a lot to me. It felt like a lot two weeks into this month-from-hell when our Alaska trip was cancelled, due to this mysterious illness that befell my husband.

I wonder ~ Is this the way a bird feels when it’s nest is destroyed by a wind storm, or its eggs are shattered by an avenging squirrel, or a fish watches its fish-friend swallow a hook and be jerked to the water’s surface and into a net, holding it now for dinner that evening? Do we all just have to take what’s coming with no control, no answers, and no mercy? Again, I don’t understand. Annie Dillard wrote about birds with tail feathers missing & squirrels with scars on their little bodies. She said, ‘It’s a rough world out there, folks.’ I’ve never forgotten that comment. But I still don’t understand.

I don’t want to ever repeat a June like the one that has just passed. Never. Ever. Again. I’m tired now, and frankly think God should pick on another family for the next few months. I am requesting a visit from the Angel of Good News, hoping she will wave her magic wand and make us all whole again. We’re not asking for wealth. Not even eternal health. Just the ability to not knuckle under when life gets really, really hard … because there was a day or two in there when I didn’t think I’d make it, yet my sweet little daughter came to the rescue with dinners on the stove, flowers on the table, and hugs when needed.

So I did keep on. But it was awfully hard. It took two and three hour naps at the end of some days, and going to bed before 8 p.m. on other days, and I do not want to do that again. If there was a lesson here, I promise I’ve learned it. But, know this ~ I really do not understand.

About beeconcise

A Southern writer now living in Georgia after many years in the Pacific Northwest.
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